twinkLNbunny

incompetent

2005-11-30T15:25:00.000-08:00

i feel so incompetent here so much of the time...like i need to do better and want to do better and probably can do better...but i'm just not. it scares me cuz i'm only on pass no record right now and the fact that i'm panicking about that (maybe overpanicking?) doesn't seem so promising for next semester and beyond when we actually get...letter grades.

some people here seem to be so amazing. like even fellow freshman-- i choose to do so much, but then watching them go way above and beyond makes me feel like i should be doing all of those things too. i know it's not good to burn out and that mit is def not the same as high school and that i probably have enough to do, but all at the same time, it makes me feel so dumbed down...a lot of the time it's as if i was put here to cushion others...maybe not that extreme but yah...it's hard most definitely

have to try harder
have to work harder
i can do this. *exhales* well...not without help...

2005-11-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

i hate mini crushes...they need to go away

*boys are stupid throw rocks at them* lol

2005-09-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhhhhhh! too much to do o.O

we all agree...
why is it that the things we like are the things we can't have?

interesting

2005-09-10T02:03:00.000-07:00

i actually like it here...despite all the hardwork that we've been given and the worse/harder work to come.

it's kinda strange how things work out. i mean, it's interesting to see the "plan" that has been laid out...which things have happened the way they have, through the good and bad--especially after coming here and seeing new friends go through pain and having to run down the hall at 2 am in the morning to comfort them. maybe i thought i would have been able to handle it and in the end i wouldn't have. things have been positive as a result of things for the most part...except that one thing (that doesn't direclty affect me...it just bothers me cuz it affects one of my friends) that really needs to end. not good for either one of them, in not only my opinion

vacation but not

2005-08-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

so finally in boston.

it's kinda weird since it feels like a family vacation...except that i don't get to go home.

i know i will be homesick like no other. oyy just have to take it for 4 months. either that or i'll have to give in and go home randomly in between.

this is it

2005-08-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

wow...so countdown is basically down to 0 unless you count the 5 hours until i leave my house o.O i finished everything on that list except cleaning my room, which i've errr postponed until Christmas break.

scared to death because i know as soon as i get on that plane, nothing will ever be the same again =( not that that could be completely horrible...just...the fact that it will be different is hard to take since everything has been so wonderful.

boston *exhales*...here i come.

mousie song =)

2005-08-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

lol omg i just have to keep the lyrics to the mousie song:

wo ting jian ni de sheng ying
you zhong te bia de gan jua
rang wo , bu duan xiang
bu gan zai wang zi ni
wo zi de you yi ge ren
yong yuan liu zai wo xin zong
na pa zhi neng gou zhe yang de xiang ni

ru guo zhen de you yi tian
ai qing li xiang hui shi xian
wo hui jia bei nu li hao hao dui ni yong yuan bu gai bian
bu guan lu you duo mo yuan
yi ding hui rang ta shi xian
wo hui jing jing zai ni er bian dui ni shuo , dui ni shuo

[chorus]
wo ai ni , ai zhe ni
jiu xiang lao shu ai da mi
bu guan you duo shao feng yu
wo dou hui yi ran pei zhe ni
wo xiang ni , xiang zhe ni
bu guan you duo mo de ku
zhi yao neng rang ni kai xin
wo shen me dou yuan yi
zhe yang ai ni

dance performance aug 20th + rehearsals (check)
clean room
pack

countdown: 2 days

less than a week now...08.18

2005-08-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

things to do before i leave:

finish SHARP (check)
chilis hangout with david/birthday gift (check)
yoga/kickboxing/pilates with shirley (no more time o.O)
Camp Impact (check)
California (check)
Friendship rings with LXTS (check)
Finish writing BMT Disney Trivia (check)
Back to bhs for final goodbyes (check)
Alex-College training/hangout (sort of check)
dance performance aug 20th + rehearsals
clean room
pack

countdown: 5 days

last month

2005-07-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

it's the last month of summer and it's starting out pretty awesome! work is kinda sad but fun this last week. the launch was AMAZING and joe's crab shack was yummy of course. tomorrow's the closing ceremony and then presentations on friday *sighs* have to say goodbye to people. always a toughie.

galleriaing was fun tonight! lots of laughing and "chillaxing" lol. aghhh sad that it was probably one of the last few hangouts i'm going to have before i leave. THESE are the times i will miss the most. Reactions to the birthday gift (YAY) are ones that make my day. oh well. not like it's good-bye forever. just temporary good-byes.

things to do before i leave:

finish SHARP (check)
chilis hangout with david/birthday gift (check =D )
yoga/kickboxing/pilates with shirley (already started...)
clean my room
Camp Impact
California
Alex-College training/hangout
Friendship rings with LXTS
Finish writing BMT Disney Trivia
dance performance aug 20th + rehearsals
Back to bhs for final goodbyes

countdown: 26 days o.O

2005-07-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

tai lei le.

smack

2005-07-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

3/4 excited about the right thing. 1/4 not excited about the wrong thing.

i can't believe myself sometimes.

i just need to like smack myself o.O

lol *smack smack*

reminders

2005-07-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and the pressure that tears at your resistance,
... means courage.

Keeping a smile on your face,
When inside you feel like dying,
For the sake of supporting others,
... means strength.

Stopping at nothing,
And doing what's in your heart,
You know is right,
... means determination.

Doing more than is expected,
To make another's life a little more bearable,
Without uttering a single complaint,
... means compassion.

Helping a friend in need,
No matter the time or effort,
To the best of your ability,
... means loyalty.

Giving more than you have,
And expecting nothing,
But nothing in return,
... means selflessness.

Holding your head high,
And being the best you know you can be
When life seems to fall apart at your feet,
Facing each difficulty with the confidence
That time will bring you better tomorrows,
And never giving up,
... means confidence.

burned out

2005-07-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

omg i'm like burning out...so exhausted and still a solid two more days of this rehearsal/ceremony business.

for the record, in the other direction, it was referred to as "intimidation" but from my view point, i admired him for who he was and all that he could do (notice the separation...). for those gazillion things he had/could do that i didn't have/couldn't do, i was excited to be near it and learn as much as i could. glad i've hitched onto learning about the most important topic! yah just thought i should clear that up.

this has been like a thinking week.

currently reading: Chicken soup for the Christian Soul

(harry potter is on it's way =D )

weekend zzZZs

2005-07-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

lol this has been a very sleep-filled weekend so far. recap time! =)

Friday- got to leave a much more relaxed day at work early to come back for my shot so yayyy... one of the very few times i was glad to have to get a shot loool. came home and sat around and then at night time, after very much so arguing with myself, i went to the prayer meeting. i guess the hardest part for me was walking in there without tiffy holding my hand, and also i was scared to death of having to pray out loud...as silly as that sounds. BUT i'm glad i got to go and it was good that i got to sit between josh (and the drum) and david...ppl i knew =) and thank goodness esther adopted me into her mini group too. AND i got to say goodbye...so that was a definite bonus =)

Saturday- omg i think i basically slept through saturday...lol i got up at like...noon and then lunch and then went back to sleep the entire afternoon. rented movies, watched them, and then went back to sleep. oh i guess i sorta started cleaning my room but not really. hahaha truly a zzZZZ saturday.

Sunday-wow i was so close to not going to church today because i was all scared AGAIN to be alone and also i was like having stomache issues all night so no sleep. good thing i did though =) learned moreeee and totally thanking james, josh, jesse ( oh my so many j's!), esther, and grace, for buddying with me lol. lunch time was a lot of fun! got to eat with grace and daniel lu and daniel lin and jesse and david (lol the chan brothers!). hahaha saw old pictures, talked about pictures that can be brought in to see *coughs tee hee hee*, bball draft, and other stuff. definitely feeling more comfortable around people. also napped some more and went to hermann park to walk my doggy =)

i guess it's still kinda hard for me to deal with this MIT label stuff. i mean it's nice to be like recognized for ur accomplishments, but at the same time, when that becomes the only thing ppl associate with you and define you by...it gets annoying and really hard. ionno that kinda happened today, having that be the first thing they think stand out, and it was like...mmm...ionno it just was kinda saddening because it would be so nice for others to see more.

anyhow...i have no idea what is happening to the box i have built around myself. i had it up strong before and it was weird because i mean it did do it's job of blocking out the bad stuff and stuff i just didn't want to deal with, but i forgot that it takes away a lot of the happy warm side too and yah, it scared me when i got a little bit icy.

phill came by yesterday night. he was supposed to stay for 10 minutes but it ended up being like 1.5 hours. it was a good talk though and i'm glad we had it since he left for his china mission this morning. he's been frustrated lately and i got to share some of the verses from friday night with him...hoped that helped. he hugged me really good before he left...something i haven't had for awhile...and yah, i think that melted away some of that icyness that i've had lately.

lots of things to pray for lately...well more specific things i guess-- for the things we talked about in our little groups, for david and bernice and the mexico missions trip, for phill and his church to be safe and be successful in their teaching mission, etc.

good thing for extra zzZZs this weekend though. this week is going to be crazy after work...all that rehearsal at night and everything *groans* jia you!

happy july 4th tomorrow...celebrating our independence and freedom =)

got this

2005-06-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

no worries.
i know what i'm doing.
no extremes.
best option, for now.

fall

2005-06-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

why do we fall? so that we can pick ourselves back up again.

okay.

frustration

2005-06-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

i'm frustrated with myself.

it's very difficult when what i think and what i feel inside are completely different.

that song "i'm so lonely" is coming in to my mind...everyone's gone =(

i need you Jesus
to come to my rescue
tell me where else can I go

wow

2005-06-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

omg just watched "the notebook"...*tears* at the very end...omg...so good though

started listening to mercy me cds in the car again. i found out i'm less road ragey when i do that =)

...mmm...zai xiang...

2005-06-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

*edit* yay for hangingoutness =)

everyone's leaving...and the one person that i hang out a lot with...i'm supposed to distance from. *yuck* not kool.

dealing...supposedly

2005-06-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

...is he?

dealing...supposedly...but not quite

oy

i don't even know

2005-06-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

no questions.

better

2005-06-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

now actually feels better than the last 4 months.

except the particular emptiness i get randomly sometimes...but i'll deal

kiss your love goodbye

2005-06-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

now this is a goood song.

Tell, tell me it isn't so
You say you have your reasons for leaving
You have to go
I watch you turn and walk away
And I'm searching to find
The right words to say
Hoping and praying you'll stay

[chorus]
So I'll kiss your love goodbye
I guess it wasn't meant to be
I gave my all, you've tried
And now I see
The love caught my eye
I went blind
And now it makes me cry
The only thing I can do
Is kiss your love goodbye

[verse]
Why, why should I look deep inside
To find where I went wrong, girl
'Cause after all, you'll still be gone
Oh how I've tried
Though I gave my best to you
You were determined to leave
And there's nothing I can do
Guess that none of my dreams won't come true

[chorus]

[bridge]
I won't ask you why
(I won't ask you why)
Give me back my pride
'Cause time will mend
The heart that you've broken, baby
I'll let you go
Though I love you so
I'll find a way to kiss your love goodbye

[chorus]
I guess it wasn't meant to be
I gave my all, you've tried
And now I see
The love caught my eye
I went blind
]Now it makes me cry
The only thing I can do
Is kiss your love
Is kiss your love
Is kiss your love goodbye
Goodbye

already

2005-06-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

*edit* i started out angry when i found out...more upset than angry i guess. but now, i'm no longer those things...just kinda...sad. *sighs* i really don't know what to feel, what to think, what to do. i'm upset at the "hiding" but at the same time, i'm hiding in a way too aren't i? funny how a person's strengths can become his/her weaknesses. funny in an unfair way, but that's just how life goes right? that's just how things go...
*end edit*

how? we already did say it. how could i forget.

i want to be angry/upset...but i can't.

finding out things is definitely interesting.

good-bye

2005-06-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

so we said good-bye officially tonight...it's definitely hard again and not a pleasant thing, but i must say i'm taking it a heck of a lot better than i took it the first time around; i guess partially b/c i promised i wouldn't cry, which i haven't...although i've gotten shakey quite a bit, but yah holding it in is forcing me to be stronger.

i will miss the special warmth in his hugs and just everything about the times when i got to be with him because those were such awesome times...but that's just how it is. yah...will definitely miss him. *exhales no breaking promises*

maybe it's better this way...it has to be...it just has to be.

it was a good senior year. plenty of happiness....plenty of memories....plenty of drama. but the year has ended and so has "us" and neither of those can be changed.

so we said good-bye...and at least it was actually in a nice way...ended it in the best place it could have been ended...in his arms for that final letting go-ness. so we start new chapters in our lives...for him...as a senior....for me....as a college fishie.....and for us....as the best of friends we can be.

goodbye, and hello.

more lyrics from AI =)

2005-05-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

totally love all the songs from ai.

SUCH a good song...although a really sad one o.O

I was all right for a while
I could smile for a while
but I saw you last night
You held my hand so tight
When you stopped to say hello
you wished me well
You couldn’t tell that
I’ve been crying over you,
Crying over you and you said so long
Left me standing all alone,
Alone and crying, crying, crying, crying
It’s hard to understand
but the touch of your hand can start me crying

I thought that I was over you
But it’s true, so true
I love you even more than I did before
But darling, what can I do?
For you don’t love me
and I’ll always be
Crying over you, crying over you

yes now you’re gone
and from this moment on, I’ll be crying, crying, crying, crying
Yeah, crying, crying over you

beautiful song =)

2005-05-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

-bless the broken road, rascal flatts

2005-05-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

blogger is messing uppp

puffy eyes

2005-05-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired lately...probably because i have so much trouble sleeping now *sighs*

mostly, i'm just scared. with graduation coming up, i'm totally beginning to panic.

-i'm scared of going to college. it's true, i'm going by MYSELF...all alone...without anyone from bellaire to hold my hand. i mean new surroundings are definitely exciting, but at the same time, this is a HUGE step and it's so intimidating.

-speaking of intimidating, MIT is just scary with all of those crazy smart people. i'm not afraid of the hard work; it's just that i don't want my best to not be good enough and i don't want to fall behind. i guess these specific feelings are normal, because i bet i felt ahhhhed out when i went to bellaire too =)

-i'm worried about leaving my family because i've never been that far away from them. but, i know that's part of the experience and i feel MUCH better right now cuz at least everyone's healthy right now!

-i don't want to leave my friends!!! i don't want to break any promises and lose touch with some of my bestest friends that i love so much. i'm just like "please don't forget me..."

-i have "issues" with all of the above, but at least i've found some way to start coping with them. One of the things that really really REALLY freaks the heck outta me is thoughts of losing him. these past 2 months haven't been that bad at all and it's been like loving from a distance (relatively speaking). i'm feeling pretty strong in the whole stand, but sometimes i get sudden "omg what if he changes his mind before summer" freezes and yah those aren't ever pleaseant...although i must admit little things have been quite reassuring =) it's been almost like 7 months since i started started loving him...with 3 months being it officially allowed...and 2 months not so much allowed...and 2 months something in between. don't think i err ever really stopped to follow those stages lol. oh well...definitely excited about spending tim with him during summer. hope we get like one day or something like that before i pop off to work.

quote from the old opes blog:
"Never say goodbye when you still want to try.
Never give up when you still feel you can take it.
Never say you don't love a person when you can't let go."

have i ever told you...

2005-05-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

Have I Told You Lalety that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Meets the day with hope and comfort too,
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

There's a love less defined,
And its yours and its mine,
Like the sun.
And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.

days

2005-05-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

those days vs. these days

i liked those days better...they seemed more genuine, more true, more real.

2 but not 3

o.O

2005-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

so easily irritated lately

must be being sick/meds/three letters/etc...ooey.

and...my mommy picking on me/yelling at me for tiny things and making me feel bad about myself doesn't help either. ughhhhhhh

cycles that need to be broken

it's May!

2005-05-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

*edit* i tend to set myself up

wow it's May already. that means there are officially 3 weeks left until everything, such as...

-graduation. i am definitely scared, but kind of excited too...although I feel really old now lol. quest letters came in and yah, found out lots of interesting things and got to relive lots of good memories. great times =)

-school ends and I get to love a special someone in whole (and perhaps loved back just as much too =D ). a lot of the times now, more than anything do i just want to say those 3 words to let him to know how much i truly do care...just waiting for all of this in betweenness to end... these 6 weeks in the counting haven't been as bad as i thought it would be. actually a heck of a lot easier to deal with considering the fact that i was worried that i wouldn't get to see/be with him at all. he's made time and yayyy for that. hahaha i was SO excited from that call during prom...hahaha i'm such a dork but i don't careeee. anywayys waiting patiently for that day for my squeaky clean fuzzy da xiong mao baby can come back to mee =)

whimpers

2005-04-29T23:16:00.000-07:00

to u: can't use my fone right now...so if you're reading this...

i'm sorry i lost it with u on the fone and was so cold...i really really really feel bad about it. yah i was just a bit frustrated cuz i was waiting for you to call and yah...was kinda surprised that u didn't call to let me know u weren't coming cuz i was like omg i woulda been waiting for forever...but yah i still definitely overreacted. i let my bad week get to me and it came out on you. i know ur super tired and ur super stressed. ur so awesome...working so hard and everything...definitely proud of you =) you'll be the BEST in these next few weeks! just really needed to tell u i'm sorry for upsetting u back and putting definitely unneccessary (omg that word looks so wrong...probably b/c it is :P) strain on u. *huuuuuugs* good luck. i hope i get to talk to you soooon....somehow.
__________________________________________________
*whimpers* save me

i feel so helpless...not even a bit strong at all.

it's like i'm being stomped on because i can't handle everything going around me...can barely handle my own issues + the adding on of me trying to comfort other ppl. i want to be there for them, but right now...it's so hard cuz i just want to collapse. it's like i just can't do it...

so frustrated with life. good things end abruptly and bad things seem to be hiding, just to pop out at the time things are the best.

so pessimistic.

shouldn't have

2005-04-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

*edit* and the week gets worse...i thought that that was the end of it...BUT no...i just have to get in trouble ONE MORE TIME with my parents...went over the fone bill...crap. so screwed.

i shouldn't have been that grr on the fone...

i feel bad for being so grumpy...

although yah...it was still for a relatively legitimate reason, i think.

*sighs* overreacting isn't kool...but it was the end of an icky week.

i popped

down

2005-04-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

everything seemed so lovely for awhile...i guess it's time for things to head downward again...

ooey...getting kinda icked out depressed with everything now.

i don't like myself sometimes.

:o)

2005-04-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

reasurred...(although just a hug would have done that too :o) )

hahaha not so slick but it's okayyy...lol

ghetto eckoness all the way

scary

2005-04-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

a mirage almost...

makes me wonder if its to make me be the one to do it.

literally, everything is so scary right now. it makes me so uneasy. *sighs*

weekend

2005-04-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

30-hr famine was fun :o) lol more like 25 hours for me...but sorta close enough haha. i had loots of fun and it was really interesting actually! wasn't bored at all and totally paid attention the entire time :o) lol it was half like a geography lesson though...mmm enjoyed learning most definitely. i liked he was talking to us and not at us like most people do.

basketball was fun...haven't done that awhile hahaha okay so goal: NOT shoot like a fish and actually get it into mr. hoop. square square square box box box

a bit scared at times...

"There's just no way of knowing where
we'll be in the days to come
Take the chance if it's going
live each day like it's just begun "

*edit* tee hee hee i love the wedding singer:
I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
I’ll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

I’ll need you
I’ll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you"

aiyouu

2005-04-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

so...some things have been interesting (both bad and good) lately.

the GOOD :

-it wasn't a no...although it wasn't exactly a yes for the present time. i guess i was kinda shaky about it first cuz yah, never had to do THIS before...but that's okay i guess... definitely will be a bit tough cuz not used to it. it scares me in a way i have to admit, but i really do want to try and be understanding if i can...i really really want to try to make it work...lol although i must say it's kinda funny with that fact that when i waver a little bit and fear starts catching up to me, talking to him and him being a bit cheery melts away most of my ahhhhhh! thank goodness for that...i just end up saying "never mind."

-school is a lot of nothing lately, except for crazy monday that's coming up. like EVERYTHING is due that day; but other than that, yah not too stressful and keeping up with stuff still so i'm relatively satisfied with that

the BAD:

-so my big talk with sherry to allay my shakiness caused by xc who wrote me a one page of why i shouldn't have gone along with it...partially i know she's wanting to protect me from getting hurt, but the other half i remember what happened before with both me and sherry and xc's relationship advice. all that extra doubt she's able to create to push us slowly off that edge. made me feel really bad yesterday, not that i doubt what i feel, just she made it seem like i was doing such a horrible thing and that no good can come from it...just uneasiness from her...although i must admit it's better now.

-so tired lately, i don't even know why! i take my naps and don't even sleep that late but i'm just tired and pooped out ALOT...puts me in a touchier/grumpier mood i guess. don't like that cuz i feel mean *pouts*

-ben's ranting about how girls suck didn't help either...i accept that girls suck at times cuz yah i know girls rant about how boys suck at times too...but i didn't like that he made it like a full blown debate... i totally did NOT want to deal with that at the moment.

-the final moving stages of ahma out of her house...emotional rockiness cuz that's where we all grew up and now, they're taking it away from us. i mean i didn't expect to beable to have it forever of course, it's just that, yah didn't think that that house of memories would be taken away from us so soon. we've had our last christmas, last birthday celebrations, last dinners, last basketball games, last wrestling matches, last pillow fights, last everything already.

-when doubt/fear creeps on you when you don't notice and you have to calm yourself and use self-control to remind yourself you're being way too paranoid and that things aren't that bad

long week

2005-04-08T23:14:00.000-07:00

what a long week...at least it's finally over. sort of at least.

*i can't o.O*

more down

2005-04-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

sighing even in my dreams o.O
(not that i ever have any good ones anyhow)

not for me to decide

2005-04-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

last night in my prayers, i asked God to show us if we should be holding hands in a circle...the three of us...or if it would be God holding our hands but we are in a line so that you and i are not holding hands...

i don't know which one it should/will be.
but it's not for me to decide. it never was.

x.X or X.X

2005-04-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

*edit*
o gosh...i almost don't want to talk about it... just because it felt so good and i was happy to be back where i felt safe and secure... *sighs* but it still has to be done. 2 months of trying so hard...and then all of a sudden snapping and allowing myself to cry. but i do need to know how artificial or real everything is. ran qi ba zhao. lost still.

*to you...yes you*

i know you don't like to open up...esp about things like this, but seriously, we need to talk about this (trust me...ur not the only one going ehhhhhh about this ide). please...

either fone online or in person. fone may be the best... but yah. we realllly need to figure things out.

you=x.X
me= X.X multiplied by gazillion

when sweet dreams become reality...but then, complete confusion too...

frustration

2005-03-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

some people/things just drive me to the brink of my tolerance level. hmphs

screw the vagueness

2005-03-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

okay for once...going to try to talk directly and just not use metaphors and be all crazily vague. try is the keyword.

what do i miss? i miss talking to him. it's been actually quite a few days since we've really talked and yah that's actually the longest time i've ever experienced. it's strange how i've really not been able to let go. i started to awhile ago, but all these crazy coincidences that have been thrown at me pushed me right back to where i started. it's not that i don't accept it and am pushing for anything, but yah i guess there's always a certain person in your life that you don't exactly let go of...but you just slowly learn to take it in how things are now. well that's what sherry and i came up with yesterday in the middle of our 4 hour convo. "wisdom comes through suffering" -the theme of almost every play we've read this year seems so true to us. like she said, it's all about learning.

i had a sweet dream. but i woke up. and it was only a dream.

wowness

2005-03-25T00:04:00.000-08:00

*edit* sighs. i miss...

today was just awesome...especially the concert: jeremy camp, monk&neagle, the afters, and of course mercy me! "keep singing" was one of the songs that really got to me...like i definitely teared more than once during that concert and it was just...wow...and wow a billion trillion gazillion times more

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

i've been scared. i've been confused. i've been lost. i've been frustrated. i've been somewhat unhappy. a lot of mixed feelings every day. i'm glad that i got to dissolve all of that at least for awhile tonight. awesome night.

just remembering: everything happens for reason...let faith still lead the way.

2005-03-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

more than anything...

smile

2005-03-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
Through your fears and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
If you...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just...
Smile

home...

strange how it still follows me everywhere. running does nothing.

umm

2005-03-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

okay what the heck, maybe i shouldn't have done that. most worried that yah, it will kill off the fun-ness/comfortableness that was starting-cuz yah really liked that. *sighs* i can't win...no matter which direction i go. totally confuzadaddled. save me. me being honest = nothing. shoot me now.

just about expected it to be this way.

getting out of here.

ooey

2005-03-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

muddled.

curveballs aren't nice...you really don't know which direction the ball is heading.

almost don't want the other reason for leaving to happen now...i guess i'll have to see in these next 4 days...*sighs* nothing's ever clear and i never ever know what's going on.

lost.

what?

2005-03-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

oh my dear...ahhhhhh!

birthday :o)

2005-03-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

lol what an EXCITING and EXHAUSTING weekend this has been! can't believe it's all over now though....ooey i think i ate too much

first sleepover and big parties and hanging out past two days :o) quite happy indeeeedy

hmm i HAVE been quite thoughtful this evening though...daniel asked hannah and me about long-distance relationships and yah i think i was quite pessimistic with my answer cuz i thought of even ben and wy splitting. definitely have a wavering faith in the concept of love again, but not like that's new to my life. long distance relationships...what do i really think of them...hmm...they definitely are possible, but yah, lots of faith and a really strong base would have to be created before that becomes even plausible. but yah whatever...at least that seems more optimistic. not something i have to worry about at the moment so i can just think about it more if i ever need to :oP (ever is the key word)

...i have been confuzed lately though. i really need to stop letting things mix me up and just taking things in the possibly "maybe" ways. it's not like i'm holding onto it...it's just that as i let go, something always taps me on the shoulder and is like REMEMBER ME? makes it quite difficult.

i wonder what it was

6, 8 , 12

2005-03-08T00:05:00.000-08:00

xc shared a song with me today...wow...that's all i've got to say...very wow in the middle of all this brian mcknight/boys2men marathon i've been having.

love this song, although it's sad...lyrics to keep :o)

Ooh ooh Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you're awake
Are you calling out for me?
Do you ever reminisce?
I can't believe in nothing like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss

It's been six months eight days twelve hours
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better
but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away

Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings,
Do you wish it was me calling you?
Do you still feel the same?
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you Is everything okay?

It's hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why

*holds heart and sways* bittersweetly beautiful

a year

2005-03-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

*exhales* wow a year...really i remember this time last year so clearly. all the tears, tissues, hugs, red noses, sobs...and then the acknowledgement that he's in a better place, where there's no suffering and he's happy and finally feeling good and healthy.

so much has changed in this one year. they're selling the house. i don't really know what to say to it. wender and i are pretty much heartbroken that soon, the house where all of our childhood memories of playing power rangers, fishing, cops, ninja turtles(where we took ahma's sewing scraps and cut eyeholes in them so we could see when we tied them onto our head and also our waists), cockroach stories, christmas trees, basketball, ticklemonsters, coloring on the walls, and just basically everything occurred will soon disappear from our lives. the pictures and everything are already down. last time i went there, the walls had already begun to look bare and all i could do was hold back a sob as i knew that the door to that house would soon close and never be opened by one of us ever again. wender said i have to save that basketball net that ahgong built for us. most definitely i will...i've even told mommy that i want that net, that she can not give it away or throw it away. wender and i will find a place to put it...we will.

eckerd drugs also closed this year...got eaten up by cvs, although my mom's joking explanation was that they had all moved up to Heaven because my ahgong needed them to develop his pictures. actually, it's quite plausible...who knows...i sure don't.

there's no denying that this time of the year is extra hard for me...hard for all of us i suppose. it does amaze me how strong my grandma seems though. she can still talk of him normally without wavering or nething which i suppose is good--but i can't do that. last time i talked to sherry about him, i wavered like no other and it took so much self control to stop it. funny how that day was just last wednesday at la madeleine.

no longer crabby...more sad and empty now i guess...just everything is building up now. i thought i could take things one at a time and that they were being timed so they wouldn't all clash each other and hammer me down, but i must have somehow missed my timing and now...yah...here we go. *deep breath* always seems like i'm being tested for strength; like my dreams, i'm always battling, always fighting. that's my life so it seems.

*I can show a smile, it's not hard to doI can have the strength to go on
But sometimes I wanna let go of everything*

*Keeping a smile on your face,When inside you feel like dying, For the sake of supporting others,... means strength.*

some people...

2005-03-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

some people really piss me off...i mean how can they talk about a person behind his/her back when they don't even know that person. i HATE that!! especially if the person being talked about is one of my closest friends. I don't care if i get attacked...i can deal with that whatever, but i can't stand when someone i care about and someone who's a truly awesome person/friend is insulted for something that reflects his/her views, that aren't exactly FALSE in the first place!

funny how those ppl talking are those that emphasize how crappy it must feel to be talked about behind their backs and how backstabbingish it is...the hypocrisy of it all.

so crabby lately...losing my tolerance or SOMETHING! ughhh makes me feel really bad for reacting that way but at the same time, i really can't help being annoyed.

improving

2005-03-02T00:40:00.000-08:00

improving...or so i'd like to say i am...or so i hope.

however, reminscing and other things make it hard most definitely...and songs too

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
When there's just an empty space
And you're comin' back to me is against all odds
And that's what I've got to face

proving myself

2005-02-27T16:02:00.000-08:00

so...i mainly spent my time attempting to prove myself...

but in the end...i still had to surrender

it was a lie...all of it

leaving

2005-02-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

wow...i think everyone's realizing now that these are our final months in high school. *sighs* i guess i'm ready to finish up and leave, but it's definitely weird. i mean some people, i've seen everyday at school for over ten years...and then ppl like michelle that i've seen literally just about every week of my life, i won't see her anymore that much either...kinda intimidating but definitely something i can't avoid, nor do i want to. just gotta get ready for it i guess- to start over where i end up...hopefully it won't be too hard...

quote

2005-02-17T21:42:00.000-08:00

looking up sweet quotes yesterday...

I loved you once
I love you still
I always have i always will

as xc says...so simple, so true...so painful at the moment...

argh! i hate relapses!

again...

2005-02-16T19:04:00.000-08:00

you teng le...

i don't know what's wrong...but things seem to be going downhill again. *sighs* riding the rollercoaster up and down, up and down...probably shouldn't have listened/sang to "true" yet-- very unready to be hit with that again.

on another thing...i hate the feeling of being brushed aside...brushed aside unless i'm needed for something. definitely don't like that.

one day at a time

2005-02-15T20:01:00.000-08:00

previously i asked myself "how do you do make your heart stop loving someone?"
the answer: you force it to, one painful day after another...

new new new

2005-02-07T21:37:00.000-08:00

new settings for new times :o)

i like things on black backgrounds...but maybe time to try to lighten things up...at least here (lol xanga still dark--o well)

i have to awwwww cuz i just read how millie asked stephen to prom! lol! so last year was the guys being super sweet and being creative...maybe this is the year of the girls to do that? hahaha no idea...eeek prommmmmm no idea what's going on for that...*sighs*

closure

2005-01-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

i got my closure :o) thank you...let the healing begin, o please!

amazing how my posts have varied through one weekend...

i will miss you most definitely, but you will always have a special place in my heart :o)

what is love

2005-01-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

wow okay so...this must be the worst time for me to make the realization that for the first time, i actually might truly love someone. i believe, i have faith, i hope so hard that even with all of this happening lately, that things will NOT go back to the way things were, but for things to start over, taking what happened the first timeand using them to make things better the second time. oh man...second time...i'm still creating false hope for myself, but it's true...i'm hoping so hard.

back

2005-01-30T13:52:00.000-08:00

everyday it's supposed to get better, but i think it's seriously getting worse.

looked into that face on friday, and i lost it...love is NOT going away. i'm almost to the breaking point where i'm wanting to beg for it back, not because i want to be in a relationship, but just because that "ai" is still there and it's not disappearing at all. i can't stare back into that face and have just that "friend" feeling yet. o gosh...whatever composure i'm trying to keep is killing me, so tired and exhausted from being "okay" when i'm really not and yah...i hate this! i can't believe i left a message with " i miss you" and ran last night. but at least for once this week, i said something that was truly from my heart and not trying to hide things and pretend for things to be okay.

*sighs* more than anything, do i wish that this week never happened and that it was all a dream, and now it's time to wake up and things will be all better...or at least better with a second chance.

flooding

2005-01-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

kuai yao shou bu liao le...but i have to...

goodness gracious so many memories keep flooding back to me and i just don't know how to deal with it. went to lucy's tonight...lots of fun most definitely and we were SO out of it. everyone was so exhausted...we watched wimbledon :o) sweet story, although love in reality isn't like that...or doesn't seem to be. i was on the big blue floof....got it to myself this time, but i wish i wasn't by myself...

argh "wishes" like that..."thoughts" like that are making everything SO much harder....*Sighs* but then again, how do you stop your heart from loving someone? a question that perhaps maybe one day i can come back to reply to. why won't that false hope die?

love going only one way is the worst feeling ever. i hate it.

horriblest week ever....really...and finally it's over, but the hope of a new week is not even helping. it's so frustrating that i can't control this- have it so that i can get what i want, but then again, life just isn't fair.

i need to vent

2005-01-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

okay so hours on the fone hasn't been enough for me to vent it all out ...to get rid of any of it in fact, so i'm going to try writing this down...willing to try anything to make it stop...maybe putting down in black and white what i feel will help reality hit and then it'll just go away...

people say that it's funny how i'm little on the outside but strong on the inside. well i'm definitely not feeling any of my strength. i have enough strength to get through the daytime, but then at night...nothing has changed and i'm just vulnerable. no one has really seen me deal with something like this, like really seen that is, except for this week. i'm always struggling to put that smile on my face and to hide behind that image. I suppose it makes me feel braver just to be able to keep my head up and to wave hello and smile or whatever, but yah...it's so not true. i don't know if people on the outside see it, but i definitely know myself. it's like i'm fighting myself to keep my composure throughout the day, but by the end of the day, i'm unbelievably exhausted and inside i know that i'm not winning the battle against myself.

how to make it go away? how, i just keep asking. why did it happen? why to me? why again? why this time? why was i too late? why can't i fix this? why is it so much worse this time? why can't i handle this? questions i just can't seem to find the answer to. no one knows the real answers though, i suppose. something i can't answer, but just will have to accept.

i hate that some things came too late, and that there was a possibility that things could have been different. i'm not blaming anyone. i blame myself for being oblivious in certain aspects and not catching things in time to be a better person. i guess i'm just blaming the situation. i keep saying "i don't understand" to myself...because i really don't. i don't understand why "trying" together, not individually, never started and yet, things still turned out this way. i guess it's more questions from being in denial..."how come they can have it, they can fix things and be together, and i can't?" don't get me wrong, i'm really excited for the couples that are lasting and the ones that are developing because they are soooooooooooo adorable and "love" is always great to see in the making! moulin rouge" the greatest thing in all the world is just to love and be loved in return." oh man...it's just painful sometimes now though (although i feel that it's selfish to think that way).

false hope...it's horrible. i shouldn't have any, i know, because the chances of it would be as sherry says, probably close to infiniti to 1...worse than any lottery game odds. i KNOW everything, i KNOW reality, i KNOW that things won't change, but inside, i can't really seem to get rid of that tiny hope that by some miracle things will change and i can have that love back. that's probably the worst part...reminsicing to all the awesome times, which i have to admit to myself, the best times i've ever had...so genuinely sweet and purely happy fun, and knowing i will never get to have those again.

i'm beginning to think of myself as silly...wondering why i can't be "strong' and just handle all of this. how could i not even notice that i was hugging myself, until tiffy asked me what was wrong and all i could say was, " i just really want to be hugged right now...but just by one person." why do i have to have that feeling? and why is the person that i am wishing for just have to be the one i can't have? i don't get it...it isn't fair...why can i just deal with it and not make it any harder on myself?

all that comfort my friends are giving me...it helps temporarily and i'm very thankful for those bits of relief where i can at least try to forget about things, but in reality, it makes no difference at all. the only person that can help me is myself, and right now, i just can't do it...i can't forget....i can't heal and the fact that i can't do those things really bothers me. i hate the pain, i hate the wondering, the hoping, the wishing, the flashbacks, just everything cuz i know it's useless. i try to joke about it, to laugh things out, just any type of escape (err except ben's suggestion of oding on advil) for a few moments, hoping it'll help me heal faster.

i feel bad...cuz i know i've been cold....i'm trying to hold up my end of the "aftermath" but it's so hard. i can't look up and straight into that face and accept right away that it's "just friends." i've never had to tell my heart, " you are not to love anymore " that fact has always been built up on slowly and i'm sure when it happens. this time it wasn't my choice and i'm fumbling around in the darkness trying to convince myself that i don't, when i know i'm struggling to change an " i still do " to an " i don't in that way anymore."

it's such a struggle because honestly i don't believe it should have ended, not like this, not with this as a reason. i'm not one to give up without trying, and there definitely seemed to be a lack of effort in all of this, my side included. it was like, i found out about everything the night before, and if i even had a tiny hint of what was going on, i feel that things could have been different and it wouldn't have ended...but i was too late...way too late....and now i think i'm talking in circles.

follow your heart...you can do whatever you want....until i can get rid of that false hope, this isn't something i can do, because it'll lead my right to where i began. i have to convince my heart otherwise before i can follow it somewhere else

the end

2005-01-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

the story ends here...

again

2005-01-24T19:10:00.000-08:00

again i have managed to screw up something wonderful...*sighs*...i don't want it to end. i want to fix it and allow the happy times to come back...but is it possible? that i wonder

3 months

2005-01-22T12:18:00.000-08:00

happy 3

these days :o)

2005-01-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

lol okay so heard another song and thought of you :o) lol had to post up lyrics cuz they're just awwww *holds heart* (sorry they're long!)

These days I've been feeling lucky
Looking all around meI see so many dreams
That have come true
Like me right next to you,
Like the angels pulling through
T hese days have
Only just begun

Someone to come home
To each and every night
All of my tomorrow's are
Finally looking bright, overI won't rush it,
Why would I dare
Nothing could compare
To the way I've been feeling

These days
They are the best
I've ever had
And they have
Only just begun
Here we are
We're so connected
Like a moon is
To the sunI never thought
I'd feel this way'
Cause all I ever wanted,
Were these days

If I could, I'd try to
Freeze the moment
Set aside the future,
Stay right here,Right now
Sometime, woah,
Fly like the flame
That never dies
Like the love
That's in your eyes
These days,
Have only just begun

Something to believe in
When the world
Is going mad
When the rain isC
rashing down girl (lol besides the fact that it says girl i thought of you :oP)
It doesn't seem so bad(Doesn't seem so bad)

I won't rush it
No, why would I dare
Nothing could compare
To the wayI've been feeling
They are the best
I've ever had
And they have
Only just begun
Here we are
We're so connected
Like a moon is
To the sun

I never thoughtI'd feel this
I never thoughtI'd feel this way, baby
In fact it happensWhen I pray
'Cause all I ever
Really wanted
Were these days
All I ever really wanted
All I ever really wanted
Was(These days)

* bao baooooooo * i love you and "these days" really have been the best so far :o)

click click!

2005-01-12T16:05:00.000-08:00

yay club pictures today :o) lol fun to get out of my classes and to see ppl more!

even wore my hollister shirt that my da xiong mao (who i've been recently been referring to as my "baby" in my head hee hee) gave me! that way, all of my pictures will have that shirt in it and that's what can represent my senior year :o) at least the best part of it. yay

ran into tessia at the end of the day. lol! she made me twirl while commenting "cute! sexy! he has good taste!" hahahahaha i love her she's hilarious :oP she told me i needed a smaller size though! pinching at the "extra" (like barely any of it!) fabric around my tummy hahahaha ooey but i do like to breathe PLUS i don't want it to shrink in the wash and then never beable to wear it ever again!

good day i suppose...things are better...or maybe i'm better and NOT being totally mean and horrible. yuck *headache* now ...nap time

oh and p.s. da xiong mao! hahaha if i'm ur sweetie, then your my baby or...something else (will think of something similar :oP)

i know...

2005-01-07T23:48:00.000-08:00

When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cuz you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cuz you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you like the sky 'round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cuz you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.
Haaa...
And you know that you know.

-"when you know" shawn colvin

random sighs

2005-01-03T01:32:00.000-08:00

well, everything recently has been written towards my fuzzy...so just random thinking for myself now...

ehh it's so weird. maybe it's just an odd time for me but it seems like even if i put a ton into something that i do, i still ask have to ask myself, where are the results? why is there nothing coming back at me to let me know things are right? am i doing the right thing? can't help to feel disappointed and unsure of myself when i can't feel the direct security and safeness of knowing my efforts led to something or are actually making a difference.

God has a plan for me...this i know. still, i feel so lost and confuzed. it's like i reach around to grab the hand that leads me, but it's not there. or maybe it is there and i just don't see it. yah people i've talked to tell me it's normal and that it's okay. just to keep faith. i know that too and i do, but it doesn't stop me from still always being a little scared.

new year has begun and in all honesty, i'm scared like no other. sure it's filled with plenty of fun and things to look forward to. i mean everything's exciting until graduation is over. then it's like..now what? college is scary like no other and i don't want to lose people...friends that i've known for years, friends that i've just met yet are special to me, family (if i do end up going somewhere out of houston), and of course, david.

relationship talk has gotten me freaked out beyond belief. "forever" that word...everyone says it's impossible, that it's just way too idealistic and fake. i don't know. maybe i am just too idealistic like that but i still don't understand how do u know if it's impossible if u don't try? u try, u fail, so what? keep trying...forever has to happen at SOME point or another...as long as there is some type of effort and inner strength it's always a possibility. my "scaredness" has partially changed from being hurt/hurting someone else (still a bit spooked by that) to losing faith in that idea of "forever" and giving up on it...just never being able to accomplish something that i genuinely hope for and desperately want.

resolutions for this year:
-to learn how to cook
-learn more than three chords on my mini guitar and maybe even learn to play on a real one
-spend as much time as i can with my grandma and the rest of my family
-learn to understand my own emotions and how to deal with them nicely both on the inside on the outside so i don't randomly burst and freak out those that actually know what's going on inside of me
-have my heart more full of love and less of ice/walls as i did last year
-to try harder and put more effort into learning about God (felt like i didn't do enough of that this past year)
-to leave highschool and also the year feeling like i've accomplished something.

happy new year!

2004-12-31T15:29:00.000-08:00

happy new year!! ( well tomorrow that is :oD )

lol yay! another awesome holiday to spend with you! lol so we missed the mistletoe and we're going to miss the new year midnight tradition...lol but we still get those surprises and secrets no matter what- just early or late hahaha :oP buut, someeeeday we'll get to land those traditions on the exact days hopefully!

time is really really going by superdeduper fast. yellowstone truly was a LONG time ago. i mean that was in september and now it's almost january! craziness! yah i really do wonder why we didn't get closer earlier. would have been awesome to have gotten even more time with you. buuut i suppose timing did end up right overall for us lol. still can remember night hike night very clearly :o) EVEN with my goldfish-can't-find-my-own-car memory.

* bao baoooooooooo * so glad i got to spend time with you last night. i think that time, especially just bao baoing in the car, killed off the majority of my crabbiness- turning my week around for me:o) ur definitely my security- in ur arms is one place where it's like magic bubbleness around us that makes everything, as xc says, "perfect" lol. bad things bounce off and can't get in and it's just like...soooooo wonderfully awesome :o)

anyways, i'm sooo glad i'm with you. it's the best feeling when something just seems right..when you can tell it's right. and for me it really feels that way when i'm with you. i love you (THE three words :oP) very much.

always and forever ni de xiao tu zhi :o)

p.s. THAT's right! u had better bounce with me :oP hahaha

growing up...

2004-12-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

*note -type format again i suppose*

got to spend the day with you so yay :o) yah i guess lots of thoughts after today and i think ur either doing laundry or are fast asleep or eating (to satisfy mr. grumbly tummy) sooo putting them here first.

first, thankies for staying with me extra time to cheer me up :o) hope you don't get in trouble with your daddy (sorry!) mmm but u know we didn't have to do that for me to have been cheered up right? just wanted more time with you...

yah you're right about mood swingy/kiddiness! hui ran fa pi qi although i seriously wasn't mad at you or nething today! just sad that the time for u to leave was coming closer...just didn't display it correctly i guess...sorry about that. guess i should start growing up out of my own stubborness-kinda getting unfair for u to have to deal with that like a gazillion times. you said u liked my kiddiness...but i don't want you to like end up hating me cuz of that characteristic in the end.

and...what were u talking about "this isn't going to last forever?" yah...that's kinda stuck with me so if there's some type of extra thoughts on that, please do share.

* bao baooooooooooooooooooooo * happy got to see you and be with you today though:o)
i love you very very very much!

happy two months!

2004-12-22T00:05:00.000-08:00

lol two months!!!! yayyyyy!!! hahahaha * bao baooooooooo * i suppose this past month has been rockier than the first one...mainly cuz of my temper tantrums *insert bu hao yi si de lian* dui bu qi- wo zhen de hai hen hen hen hen hen hen ai ni! lol omg now that evil xiao tu zhi has hopped off to vacation, i'm giddy as ever! lol xc says she has never seen me so giggly with anyone...lol and it's true :oP i have big silly grins on my face and i'm like spacey outtey cuz wo zai xiang ni! tee hee hee...i wish i was on that beach with youuuu....sounds so beautiful and relaxing! lol you had stars too...wow can't wait till you get back ! love youuuu

hen xiang ni...officially day 3 now

2004-12-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

ahhhhh hen hen hen xiang ni! thank goodness you're coming home ming tiannnn! watched the romantic comedies and chinese soap operas (i.e. F4) and totally was like, wo yao wo de da xiong mao! fuzzzzzzzzzzzy kuai hui lai!

i went bowling tonight...lol i am such a bad bowler but it is SO much fun hahaha! ahhh i hope we will get to hang out some time soon after u get back...i'm trying to speed it up on these college apps but they take FOREVER! i still have 9 to go ...shoot me now!

ahhh lol incentive to finish...i can go out with you! lol *huffs and puffs* must finish must finish so i can seeee you! * bao baooooooooooooo * i hope we will get to do a movie night or some type of outing that i can spend a loooooooong time with you cuz i very much so miss you! ai lub yoo vewy vewy much <>

day 2.5 of missing you :oP

2004-12-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

lol 2.5 because yesterday i didn't post one up! too essayed out from college apps :oP

awww omg u have no idea how much you made my day when you called! i was totally not expecting to get talk to you until thursday!!! * bao baooooooooooooooooooo * your the bestestestestestest! lol and my day has composed of me being ultra giddy after waking up to your text message :oP *giggles* lol i love youuuuu! hao xiang niiiiiiiii! mmm keep playing jian dan ai, and my boo. talked to xc about the my boo line with "you were the one i could spend my life with"...can honestly say i would love that...lol even if it IS still early and we have a ton ahead of us...but still :oP i would definitely welcome that :o)

* bao baooooooooooo * ming tian is our two months! time flies like no other...it amazes me! hahaha i'm so excited to wear ur shirt...but i'm trying to wait for you to come home for me to wear it! anyways i got to run for nooow but i shall add more to this later :o) wo ai ni! love you

day 1 of missing you

2004-12-19T23:44:00.000-08:00

hi hi da xiong mao!

you're on your retreat right now and i'm totally missing you! figured i could write you these "letters" in my blog to make me feel like i'm talking to you! mmm didn't get to say good-bye this morning! guess you were too zonke out to call but that's okay :oP lol what i get for keeping you up on the fone until 2 am * bao baooooooooooooo* well that's okay :o) i don't like "bye's" anyhow- sounds almost as if it were a bye bye forever and i would never get to see you again so not official bye byes! lol okay i'm just rambling now...anyyyyways

fascinating day! wanna hear about it? course u do :oP lol hahaha if you don't *SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH* hahaha okay sooo woke up at 10 and stared at it until 11 rolled over and fell asleep for 15 more minutes and then got up for lunch and then scooted off to dance! nearly died from being out of shape and not stretching and bouncing (NOT bunny bouncing or else i could handle that :oP) lol tap housing with michelle! w00t! went to search for a new dangly thing to put on my fone but didn't find one that i liked so we went back to CCC and just hung out until 2nd dance class time! at approx 4:30 ran off to change and drove myself to church! lol was at church until 7:30 pm and then daddy drove me sis matthew and lawrence home where we were later joined by aunt and wender! w00t! watched shrek 2 with them and ate everything in my house pretty much :oP

dou hen xiang ni *bao baooooooo* i wish you were here with me but i know you're happy and having a good time over there so all is good :o) i will get to have fun with you when you get back! lol while you're gone i had better concentrate hard and get as much college stuff done as possible! that way i can go out and play with you :o) mmm * bao baoooo * you can bounce on my bed as much as you want next time you come over :o) it's soooo much fun and soooo comfy! lol you'd be *zzzZZZZ SNORE* in a split second hahaha. omg btw...i woke up easily at 10 am today cuz i had a caramel macchiato yesterday with cousin and ericka and woweee u know how i sounded awake on the fone? i was awake having weird dreams and thoughts until 4 am...so i kept waking up (i.e. 8 am 9 am 10 am...)

lol anyways i think that's enough random thing smacked together for one dayyyy! i love you very very very very very very very very much! (one very for every week <3)>

<3>wo xiang jiu zhe yang qian zhe ni de shou bu fang kai
ai neng bu neng gou yung yuan dan chun mei you bei ai
wo, xiang dai ni qi dan che
wo, xiang he ni kan bang qiu
xiang zhe yang mei dan you chang zhe ge yi zhi zou
wo xiang jiu zhe yang qian zhe ni de shou be fang kai
ai ke bu ke yi jian jian dan dan mei you shang hai
ni, kao zhe wo de jian pang
ni, zai wo xiong kou shui jiao
xiang zhe yang de sheng huo wo ai ni, ni ai wo

smile

2004-12-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

wow...my last 3 posts were not the happiest ones ever. * bao baoooooooooooooooo * to my da xiong mao for putting up with me! finals finals finals...4 down 3 to go! yay! the end is near! *whew* lol goodie goodie that you liked your shirt :o) makes me happpppppy!!! anyyyyways just random posting for fun...and just wanted to let you know i love you THIS much!! actually more...but yah the font doesn't get any bigger in blogger...so let that represent that maximum capacity hahahaha

two months in view: 12.22.04!

i ...... give up

2004-12-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

i don't even know what the heck is wrong anymore...i've totally lost it, even though i promised myself i wouldn't. don't know why, but haven't been able to stop crying since i've left school- i don't even know why i am tearing so much. i told sherry she had to be strong and that she had to go on, she couldn't give up now no matter what- yet, i find myself feeling hopeless all the same. it doesn't help that i find out from a friend that apparently relationships don't last for me because i am too attached...i ask for too much. i don't even kno how to change that aspect of myself...that's just how i am and how i love but apparently it's just wrong. great...nothing is going right. i simply want to give up...the world hates me officially now.

o please o please!

2004-12-09T23:39:00.000-08:00

oh my goodness gracious ...i can't believe how badly i screwed up today! i'm just so hoping for an 80 on that test...please just let it curve up amazingly to an 80 oh please....omg...everything was just so hard today :o(

held onto my da xiong mao for a really really long time afterschool...didn't want to let go of the only good thing in my life today *sighs* okay this is really bad that i'm going into finals shooting for NEEDED a's...needed...that's like the worst way to enter finals *groans* help meeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhh

and nightmares about college already- stress is getting to MY head and heart and the rest of me now ahhhhh!! a little too close to wanting to get run over or something of that sort...a bit too scary o.O but really, so much to deal with lately- so hard to not freak out...and to at least hold my poise and not completely whack out on ppl...which i think i totally couldn't help today :o(

*sighs* can't wait until it's all over...oh PLEASE just let me have gotten in...please...

YESSSSSS!!! I have an A for the 6 weeks! i love mr. mazzoni :o) hahahaha of course no where close how much i love my da xiong mao :oP * bao baooooooooooooooooooo* wo ai ni!

weaker than i thought...

2004-11-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

*sighs* quite unusual for me to have a "downer" entry...but yah i guess kinda just thoughts on things. i totally thought my heart was stronger than this, but being so attached has made it seem weaker to me, just because i'm so dependant and always hoping for things. i mean, i remember now why building that wall seemed to work so well before- because since i had shut out emotion, i didn't feel any warmth or any need to be loved...but now i do...and when i mean i do...i overly do. the holidays or breaks have always been tough for me, just because i happen to have that insecure part of me that needs to be reassured ever so often that i'm not a hassle or a bother to the other person, or overly seeking attention (which i believe i do-sorry). it's always my problem and it's always where i mess up. i figured i had better confront it now instead of holding it in and brushing it aside, but then letting it build up inside of me and driving myself nuts. yah...pretty high-maintenance sounding i suppose (blah to that) but that's just how it's been for me, and actually this time, i was doing pretty well feeling secure, until now...just because i'm beginning to feel that wo zai "cao" wo de da xiong mao. i don't want to do that because that's just simply unfair to him...man, how complicated can i get...and i keep thinking about "yong yuan." it's been 5 weeks...and i'm everly hoping for that yong yuan, wanting it to happen...but i know there are things i will have to overcome for that to happen *sighs*

happy thanksgiving

2004-11-25T23:15:00.000-08:00

what am I thankful for this thanksgiving? besides all the things that never change from year to year - God, my family, my friends, etc...i am most thankful for having my da xiong mao in my life :o) * bao baooooo* i love you <3

yay...got to spend about 11 hours with my fuzzy today who was very very blue and white and dark blue today :oP hahahaha completely matching!! i was very impressed :o) sponsor breakfast...everyone huddling for warmth brrrrrrrrrr! still fun though :o) always fun with friends around (and duh, my fuzzy too) hahaha the parade was awesome! lol didn't wait long enough for the texan dancers (poor david :oP j/k hee hee) and we got to meet channel 11 anchor dude and i got to yell out a random YAY!

afterwards- la madeleine quick brunch trip! well...more like tiramsiu to satisfy my tummy temporairly so that i could stuff myself tonight...which i pleasantly did yayyyy and then off to yah...lol

planned out things + unexpected things for approximately 3.5 hours o.O that'll last me till monday, except now i just keep thinking about my da xiong mao even more! i'm even filled with more zhen tou questions O.o hahahahahaha

good food for dinner :o) very happily stuffed...what a lovely thanksgiving!

amazingly lucky

2004-11-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

i just read david's post and he too has definitely been worth the wait, all of the pain, all of the lessons, all of the situations that shook me up, that my past has thrown at me. After being scared and saying "screw boys, screw relationships" for quite some time...i've actually had the faith in relationships restored back into me :o)

"forever"..."yong yuan" it's always been hard to believe in that word because nothing seems that it can last forever...but it doesn't mean we can't try and get close. forever requires unbelievable strength, love, faith, and trust- things that I want to have and will definitely willing to strive for....yah random thought of the day.

today was fun! got to see my fuzzy one day early! mmm i suppose i started on the wrong side of the bed, so a bit grumpy this morning...but yaah made the "mistake" of looking straight at my da xiong mao and feeling a bit of his touch and all my grumpadoodles melted away :oP lol darn...can never stay angry hahaha. mmm got lost...went to the port of houston....freaked out with the honking of the boats....drove halfway around 610 loop fabulous stressful time :oP hahaha boys sleeping in the back...and thankfully i had anna to calm me down and be like just keep driving :o)

mmm beignet parking lot car hanging outness ;oP still a day earlier than expected but got to be with my da xiong mao for an extra 30 minutes ish so that was of course awesomely awesome :o)

* bao baooooooooooo * amazingly lucky to have gotten my da xiong mao :o) i love you

happy monthaversary!

2004-11-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

yay! zhong yi zhen de happy monthaversary!

Wandering like a leaf upon the wind
I have been searching for someone
Holding out for a love to shake my soul
Heaven or nothing
Then you walked into my life
In a blaze of light
I've never wanted someone more
You are the one I've waited for

Light of my life
You are the fire in my heart
When I am lost
I know I'll feel you burning in the dark
You're the light of my life
Every star in the sky
Shines more brightly when you're at my side
You're the light of my life

Dreaming, I feel you next to me
No, I'm not, I'm not dreaming
'Cause I'm drowning in your kiss
I die in your arms
And when I hear you call my name
Baby, it's like I'm born again

Chorus

Your love's a lantern in the rain
Bringing me home time and again
Burning like an eternal flame

Light of my life
You're the beat of my heart
When I am lost
When you're lost I know
You'll see me shining
Shining in the dark
You're the light of my life
Like the stars in the sky
Only you can take me through
You're the only one who makes it right
Only you set fire to the night
You're the light of my life

wo ai ni hen duo :o) xi wang ke yi yong yuan bei ni bao, bei ni ai :o)

cars...

2004-11-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a busy busy full-of-surprises day!

lol started my day fabulous cuz first person i talked to at 5:40 am was my fuzzy :o) lol officially dragged myself out of bed at 6:20 am to get to school at 6:40! yay rode in ms. ryman's car with david, bang, and varun ...lots of food/poddy breaks which were actually very nice and needed :oP hahaha lol A&M same old same old no-girls-dominated by private schools/home school/us not winning much but superdeduper fun day :o) car time being bao baoooooed by my da xiong mao was of course the best part ;o) we also got to go visit the memorial which was really really sad :o/ that was probably the longest period of silence we had all day...jumping back in the car and going to sonic pumped everyone right back up again though :oP OH OH AND must mention that i got to drive the black tahoe...although couldn't reach the brake pedal very well. err and also totally couldn't get the key out and we had trouble finding the light switch so the car meeeeeeped at us for like 10 minutes hahaha- probably made the day more fun nehow :oP

after ms. ryman dropped me home, drove back to bhs to find my booooo < tee hee hee and then back to edwards to watch bridget jones' diary 2!! lol if we had watched that treasure whatever movie...would have been hiding entire time *eeeek* movie was good :o) lol secrets and bao baos from my da xiong mao...where the beginning of surprises begaon o.O :oP

and then back to hang out in the carrrr for err more than an hour that didn't even seem that long! lol we had fun being mysterious and hiding hahaha :oP * bao baoooooooo* MANY more surprises o.O all the way lol but NOT in a bad way! nothing with my da xiong mao could be bad :o) wo aiiiiiiii ni hen duo! xian zai hao xiang ni ah...hahaha ni dou ting dao wo de xin li hui tiao hen kuai :oP

aghhh 4 days (left) w/o ni...ze me ban? hao xiang ni le! i lavaaaaaaaaaaaa you! * bao baooooooooo *

one month: officially tomorrow :o)

happy 4 weeks :o)

2004-11-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

almost monthaversary ( 4 weeks is close enough :oP)! buuut celebrated with my fuzzy today for our monthaversary :o)

today was actually the best day I've had in awhile...pi qi wise, i was QUITE happy :oP lol happy day happy day! yummy yum yum to cookies in gov and laughing hysterically in comp sci. Chem test and english test...meh over and done with for now :o) lol mainly i was excited for after school!

yay wo de da xiong mao walked me to my car and monthaversary gifts! awwww i love the cd...personalized to us :o) with all such sweet songs! you are my boo :oP da xiong mao cd marathon now...i can listen to those songs over and over again!

mmm then i went a shot-ing and david went a csu-ing...picked him up afterwards and back to rice village, where it all began, again! lol more walking around and trying to figure out what to eat! finally decided on "Prego" yum yum yum lasagna with veal meatballs! omg and then godiva chocolate cheesecake with fresh berries for dessert...hahaha my tummy was happy tonight :oP well I in general was sooo happy tonight! spent it with my da xiong mao whom i love vewy much *happy sigh*

thennn back to pick up tessia and alex! w00t! and off we went to edwards for movie time! omg...getting lost in the parking lot hahahahaha how scary :oP awww sat in 2nd row for THE INCREDIBLES!! yay :oP got to cuddle with my da xiong mao and get bao baooooooooed :o) i'm happy i ended this week on a high note :oP wo hen ai wo de da xiong mao! and i'm even more excited because i get to see him tomorrow for A&M math tournament road trip! w00t w00t!

monthaversary : 11.22.04 (countdown-3 days)

balanced

2004-11-13T23:49:00.000-08:00

lol i found the balancing point between the left and the right! down the middle! well i didn't find it..i was shown it :oP hahaha * bao baooooooooooooo * wo ai ni wo de da xiong mao!

tourny went well :oP but i missed my da xiong mao hen duooooooooooo! at least spent allll afterparty with him! lol i felt like a teddy bear being hugged :o) hao shu fuuuuuuu * bao baooooooo* dou kuai yao sui zao le! lol crazy other stuff happening at that afterparty...and i guarantee that is SO unlike any other afterparty i've been to :oP hahaha but it was awesome! mmm tai lei le! wo ai ni wo de da xiong mao :o) di yi ge NA ZHONG secret :o)

four weeks: friday, nov 19 :o)
one month: monday, nov 22 :oD

awwww

2004-11-10T01:36:00.000-08:00

omg...okay my heartis melting like never before...i have to keep these lyrics(sent to me from my da xiong mao!) for another memory. i don't think i've ever awwwed this much before in such a short time period...da xiong mao rang wo hen gao xing...lol ye dou chong huai wo...wo ai ni hen duo! * bao bao*

So many times I thought I hold it in my hands

but just like grains of sand

love slipped through my fingers

so many nights I asked the Lord above

Please make me lucky enough to find a love that lingers

Something keeps telling me that you could be my answered prayer

you must be heaven sent, I swear

cuz...

Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak

something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak

could it be true is this what God has meant for me?

cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me

yeah yeah...something like you

Girl in your eyes I feel your fire burn

oh your secrets I will learn

even if it takes forever

with you by my side i can do anything

I don't care what tomorrow brings as long as we're together

my heart is telling me that you could be my meant to be

I know it more each time we touch

cuz...

Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak

something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak

could it be true is this what God has meant for me?

cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me

Something magical (something magical)

something spiritual (something spiritual)

something stronger than the two of us alone

something physical

something undeniable (undeniable)

nothing like anything (anything) that i've ever known

cuz...

Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak

something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak

could it be true is this what God has meant for me?

cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me

 something happened...ohhhh, can't believe that you happene dot me

hey yeah...

exhausted

2004-11-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

wow i seriously can't remember being more tired than i have been in this past week or so... everything is so crazily overwhelming and i'm just like omg...can't do this! can't do it...but i have to *sighs*- no such thing as "can't". *Groans* push push push...final stride for me- school, bmt, college apps...gotta get through it.

the only thing i seem to have energy for is my da xiong mao, and that's because i think he radiates off energy to me...makes me happy and helps me smile (well, and truly FEEL the joy from the smile) the few times that i have in this past week :o) 2 weeks away till 1 month but i'm excited as ever :o)

bmt is stressful, but i'm really sad that it's my last one! at least disney sing-a-long is scheduled for friday night so w00t to that! hahaha math club lock-in...now that would be awesome if we actually got to do that! my first lock-in (some extra mathy excitement)

*whimpers* too exhausted to do nething...zhi yao bei wo de da xiong mao ai, bei ta bao bao....you na xie she me huai/lei/bu hao de shi dong xi dou bu jian le...

never let go...

2004-11-04T00:13:00.000-08:00

lol aww! today was a good day...being as i can't remember anything about it except afterschool...which was absolutely awesome :o)

lol okay well i suppose i remember ONE thing about actual school today...and that would staring at my watch with xinchen, waiting for class to end...so tired of classes that goes by sooooooo slowly!

afterschool got to spend billions of hours (although still not enough time!) with my da xiong maoooooo! chick-fil-a (tee hee hee stealing chicken from the party tray...i mean what are you talking about?), gas station where i got bao baoooooos too :oP, and la madeleine cheesecakes/tiramisu! then lots of bao bao/test writing back in Ms. Ryman's room!

secrets...balanced out secrets although i'm off by one on the left :oP hahaha that CAN be fixed no doubt *winks* tee hee hee! o my..can't believe ms. ryman said THAT and neither one of us registered it in our brains! too tireeeeed and relaxxxxxxxxxed! so comfy zai wo de da xiong mao de arms...just never want to let go of ta....

it amazes me that this one has been so different from my past...in a GOOD way of course! i'm different in it, and da xiong mao is definitely different than any other before in SUCH a good way...lol i repeat this everyday but totally don't know how i got so lucky...mei tian dou xie xie lao tian ye gei wo wo de da xiong mao :oP

happy birthday to wo zui ai de da xiong mao :oP zhong yi shi qi sui le!

pss...i have to tell you a secret

2004-11-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

bmt prep has begun for only 2 days now...and i'm freaking out already hahahaha! i suppose sleeping at 3 am last night wasn't the funnest way to start out- BUT omg i lava my da xiong mao soooooo much! stayed up with me and even still tucked me into bed :o) * bao baooooooooooooooo * ni dui wo zhen hao...wo zhe me na me lucky?

lol gotta work harder 3rd six weeks...need to push myself and keep up for at least one more set of 6 weeks! can't fail now ahhhh although i'm so tired of it all i'm just ready to throw up and go "i surrender" ...but i'm not :oP of course not! lol...although a break would be nice

awww i got to tell my da xiong mao a secret today :o) my first secret to him!! lol it was totally a *zhen tou* moment and thankfully i had fuzzy's squisheeee there! hahaha i love surprises...that was superdeduper fun and exciting thing to do :oP lol and moreeeeeee tomorrow! xiao tu zhi is going to be braver and not go *zhen tou zhen tou* as much :oP

* bao baooooooooooo * i lavaaaaa you mi fuzzy! xie xie ni dou zhan zai wo pang bian bang zhe wo han ai zhe wo :oP wo ye ai ni :o)

plush pillows

2004-10-31T00:11:00.000-07:00

lol wow...boy am i blogging a lot lately...so many things i just want to put down...lol it's nice to have this for myself...well and fuzzy is the only other person that knows about it :oP

interview went pretty well this morning...tried my best and was pretty comfortable throughout it. argh, if only my mother could act a BIT more supportive about things, that woulda made things a lot better...but anyways...onto better things

took sherry out to lunch! we had james coney island, or actually i had james coney island while sherry had frozen lemonade! good stuff, most definitely! and then we went for a stroll and old navy for a bit so that was kool. came hooome and read some aeneid before getting addicted ot kate and leopold on tv! awwwwwwww and more awwwwwwwwww is all i've got to say about that movie!

thennn at 4:30 went to pick up sherry and at 5, lulu came to get us! we went to her house and then to auntie pasto's! yum to spaghetti and meatballs, lasagna, and chicken parmesan! thennn we picked up my fuzzy (yay :oD ) and went to blockbuster! got shrek and ocean's 11 (chosen by ms. sherry :o) ) lol then back to lu lu's where we were joined by xc to play dress up! hahahaha "i pledge allegiance to the flag..." that was meee lol! *zhen tou moment...and one needed to cover meself too* hahahaha. then movie time! awwww shared a plushie with my da xiong mao! lol this is where my "girl talk* ends...things just between me and my fuzzy now :o) aww...was so comfy...almost fell asleep to the warmth and heartbeat of my da xiong mao...*bao baooooooooooooooooo*

sweet day

2004-10-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

omg what another wonderful day! lol they just keep on coming and coming :o) i love this hahaha! sherry's birthday was just so awesome...all the cakes and food and presents...her cryingness because she was happy...it was just so beautiful! i'm glad she had a happy 18th birthday- one she'll hopefully remember forever (although celebrations continue tonight so more memories to be made!!!)

one weekness...wow...only word to describe it...WOW!! lol my fuzzy came to spend lunch with us and saw the craziness of the juniors (sprinklers and bryan's add on dj remix moves). lol okayyy but i can't seem to get a good picture of me and fuzzy...i always look ODD! lol o well..many more chances :o) aww and then during 7th period i was really worried cuz i was like omg it's pouring! so i was trying to find out where else could we go for one weekness...but strangely and awesomely enough, by end of 7th period, sun was shining again! lol xc said that happened for me haha although i quite believe it :oP awwww more walking around rice village aimlessly and walking in and out of stores :oP and then la madeleine!! omg yummm again :oP chicken mushroom pasta yum yum yum! thankies to my fuzzy! hahaha random calls from tiffy and xc...mainly xc :oP they were amusing! and then on way back to car...and moving car...whoa patrick and xc magically appear! hahahaha o my....the gayness of the boys when they are put together....at least normal again afterwards :oP lol i still lavaaaa you me fuzzy!

aww and then drive back to chinatown...i think i stopped breathing a few times...got to hold my daxiongmao's hand...face was sooo warm....yes...definitely stopped breathing a few times....good thing though :o) so sofffffft :o) ahhhhh definitely an awesome day...just loving it replay over and over in my head. definitely attached...not going anywhere...

one week

2004-10-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

wow, it's been a week...a happy week with my fuzzy as HIS xiao tu zhi, and him being MY da xiong mao! so excited to be where i am, yet scared to lose it all in one mistake, one second < eek to that. hope i don't screw things up, or i will have the hardest time forgiving myself for it. it's amazing how a lot of my fears of relationships have changed- rather than running from getting hurt, it might be like going nuts to make sure everything goes well. i had forgotten what a wonderful feeling it was to be hugged and held by the one that u love and who loves you back...such a special feeling that you just don't want to let go. i'm so attached...so clinging onto that loveliness...lol hopefully not too clingy though. maybe i get over cautious sometimes, and i better watch out for being too watching-outty, as ironic as that is. for once, i don't feel like this is something overcomplicated...it's simply nice...and bottomline: i'm happy. the end.

beginnings

2004-10-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

yay! first post! lol copying fuzzy and starting a more "private" blog type thing...well sorta more private since online thingmaboppers are NEVER that private! but anyways, lots of things have happened lately! going back to the weekend!

friday was a sweet day :o) lol very fun indeed! school was as fun as it could have been (minus mr. icky icky chem tests, but nothing surprising about that tee hee hee) and afterschool, i washed lil jamba juice boxes with alex...who woulda thunk that those janitor closet sinks could eat up so much stuff? hahaha and thennnn went rice villaging with my fuzzy! yes yum yum to la madeleine (whew to sensing things :oP) and chicken caesar salad and of course, TIRAMISU! *droooools* soooo good! then randomly wandering around express and urban outfitters...me walking in zig zags and looking down to cross the street < hahaha ahhh way to pay attention :oP lol YES got sherry's gift! o crap ...forgot to pay back fuzzy for it...gotta learn to be more slick like lu lu. oOo...then went back to to car to chat and get ready to go home. LOL 14 minutes!!! hahaha "uhhhs...ummms" not that i can talk with my "mmmhmms" and "uh huhhhhs" extremely muffled with my head buried. i'm so slow ahhhh hahaha "of course i'll go with you to edward's house! what are you talking about?" lol story's repetitive cuz it's already in fuzzy's blog...but just for my own keep sake and goldfish memory :o)

lol rest of weekend was pretty fun...even being drenched completely on saturday during congressional volunteering! got to go home and climb into warmness for 4 hours :o) and dance...finished flower drum dance! well finished...but not completely...remembering it. back to schooooool yesterday! first day at school for bunny and panda together! exciting isn't it? i thought so. fabulous day as usual :o) lol!!! still loving the * i lavaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you* < with hand motions of course! *sniffles* i miss yellowstone! ms. linsley played the yellowstone slideshow today! the memories! lol and yes i LOVE mail! AND sending in applications ...one down, like 12 or so to go :oP

Dates to Remember:
10.22 5:19 pm (da xiong mao xiao tu zhi teddy xiong cinderella fuzzy bouncy day)
10.29 sherry's birthday!
11.04 fuzzy's birthday

twinkLNbunny

incompetent

interesting

vacation but not

this is it

mousie song =)

less than a week now...08.18

last month

*smack*

reminders

Standing for what you believe in,Regardless of the odds against you,and the pressure that tears at your resistance,... means courage.

burned out

weekend zzZZs

got this

fall

frustration

wow

dealing...supposedly

i don't even know

better

kiss your love goodbye

already

good-bye

more lyrics from AI =)

beautiful song =)

puffy eyes

have i ever told you...

days

o.O

it's May!

*whimpers*

shouldn't have

down

:o)

scary

weekend

aiyouu

long week

more down

not for me to decide

x.X or X.X

frustration

screw the vagueness

wowness

more

smile

umm

ooey

what?

birthday :o)

6, 8 , 12

a year

some people...

improving

proving myself

leaving

quote

again...

one day at a time

new new new

closure

what is love

back

flooding

i need to vent

the end

again

3 months

these days :o)

click click!

i know...

random sighs

happy new year!

growing up...

happy two months!

hen xiang ni...officially day 3 now

day 2.5 of missing you :oP

day 1 of missing you

*smile*

i ...... give up

smack

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and the pressure that tears at your resistance,
... means courage.

whimpers

smile